Seven Parenting No No’s

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

The following tips may sound elementary but often I encounter parents violating several basic parenting rules. Sense we all need help with some area of parenting, I thought I would share the most common and essential Do’s and Don’ts of parenting.

1. Never ridicule a child in front of others. Deal with discipline in private unless it is absolutely unavoidable. In such cases, apologize for having to deal with it here and now.

2. Do not call a child a name, even if it they completely define the name you are using. Believe me, I have called hundreds of children and teens unflattering names under my breath. Then I pray for God to help me hold my tongue and prevent them from reading my mind.

3. Under no circumstances should an adult ever bully their child. I am talking about being physically overpowering for display or compliance in a non-caring manner.

4. Refrain from saying “no” simply because you don’t want to be bothered or for no reason.

5. Never gossip about your child or other children. Sharing confirmed information that will help someone or prevent something terrible from occurring is not gossip. Sharing half truths and rumors about other children is!

6. Stay under control. Do not scream, shout or threaten your child. You can get the same results by being deliberate, firm and forceful but doing so calmly.

7. Don’t resort to using the silent treatment to punish or withhold your love.

Of course this list is not exhaustive, but violating any of the seven will surly devalue a child while at the same time push them towards the wrong crowd, where they will feel valued.
Why is watching what you say to your kids a big deal? Because deflating words will lead to critical, deflated and insecure kids. So, tame the tongue or zip the lip but don’t excuse it!

Teenagers and Lying

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Mark Gregston offers some quick insights into students and a trend in lying.
The latest “Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth” (by the Josephson Institute of Ethics) shows that teens are lying more often, and more easily, than ever.

Dishonesty may seem like a minor issue in comparison to other adolescent problems like drug abuse or sexual promiscuity, but it is a vice that parents should never ignore or allow to creep into the teen’s lifestyle.

Dishonesty is rooted in an attitude of disrespect; disrespect for others, for authority, and for your family’s values. It won’t go away with the mere passage of time. It will reappear at significant stress points in your child’s life, and that can land them in real trouble. So, deal immediately with every instance of dishonesty today, and you’ll be avoiding bigger problems tomorrow.

Discipline & Consequences

Thursday, February 4th, 2010

Discipline and Consequences
Discipline is when we as parents apply punishment in order to gain control of situation, influence behavior, shape someones future actions or enforce obedience to a system of rules.
Consequences are outcomes that can be either negative or positive resulting from a person’s action. An average person, by nature will naturally strive towards positive outcomes. We tend to gauge our behavior based on the positive or negative outcomes we experience. When disciplining teenagers, experts will point out two types of consequences to focus on: natural and logical. Both types can be positive or negative.
A quick look into each:
Natural consequences obviously occur . . . uh, naturally. In other words, they are consequences that are not created or manipulated by anyone. For example, if you are careless with a hammer and you hit your thumb, it will hurt, possibly swell and turn blue. If on the other hand, you plant a tulip seed, nurture it with water and sunlight, you will naturally observe the blooming of a beautiful flower.

Logical consequences, on the other hand are situations created by someone in a position of authority and are logically connected to the wrong. We think of it as logical because it fits or matches the outlined offense. For example, if your teen does not clean up their bedroom, he/she will not be allowed to go with friends Friday night. On the other hand, if he/she finishes raking the yard by Friday, use of the family car will be provided for a weekend outing.

We want our children to learn from their mistakes, but we have the choice of allowing our children to face natural consequences or impose logical ones. But how do you choose between the two types of consequences? When is one more effective than the other?
When natural consequences are immediate they are the most effective. Too often though, natural consequences are not immediate or either they are too dangerous to allow. For example, texting while driving could produce serious consequences. Not wearing a seat belt when driving may or may not result in a less immediate natural consequence. Both are important but pose a decision for parents. In both, natural consequences aren’t what a parent should use to teach their teen the responsibility of their own safety and it is up to the parents to sort out a logical consequence that will promote the desired behavior – in this instance not running into the street without looking or wearing a seatbelt.
Another instance of when logical consequences will be more effective than natural consequences is while your teen is getting a high school education. The benefits of good grades in school are so far off into the future that teens do not fully comprehend them. While your teen can repeat what he/she has been told: ‘good grades will get you into a good college and you’ll make more money’, until he/she sees the type of job or paycheck a college education can get, he/she will not understand the difference. Logical consequences, including rewards for good grades and privileges taken for poor grades work best as your teen can fully understand these.
There are times when the natural consequence is the better choice for the parent to make. One excellent example is when your teen is dating or making friends. Finding out what type of person your teen wants to be with and how your teen wants to be treated is going to be his/her choice. Dating or making friends with someone who isn’t his/her type is going to show that to him/her. Barring any mistreatment from a friend or a date, parents will need to hold their tongue and refrain from giving their opinions in order to let the natural consequences – positive or negative – happen.
Discipline choices are never easy. Hopefully knowing the difference between natural and logical consequences will help you make the right choices for you and your teen.
IS

Tune em up!

Monday, November 16th, 2009

Make a Smilebox greeting

Child Rescue – my passion comes to fruition

Monday, October 5th, 2009

Isaiah 1:17 gives us a clear mandate: Seek justice, encourage the oppressed, defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case for the widow. Isaiah is pleading with a nation and generation who was blind to the plight and suffering of their fellow human beings. Not that our cause is to be social antidote to the world’s hurts but much more. We, by our actions and response to human suffering, are to introduce Christ to the forgotten and invisible. Through meeting basic human needs, rescuing the oppressed and bringing freedom to the captive, the hopeless learn trust, the faithless discover belief, and the helpless gain assurance while the love of Christ is demonstrated. What we do in the name of Christ gives us a platform from which the lost may know, hear and see the love of Christ amidst an evil and dehumanizing enemy.

A huge passion of SME is to assist with intervention and relief projects that relieve the suffering of countless international children and teens.

I like the story of the starfish:

A man was walking on the beach after a storm and witnessed thousands of starfish washed up on shore. He sat down and pondered how helpless they were out of water and that most all would eventually die from sun exposure. He then observed another beach walker who had come upon the same scene. But this man was bending over, picking up starfish and throwing them back into the sea. The first man spoke up saying: Why are you doing that? You do realize that your efforts are incidental and meaningless among so many. What you are doing makes no difference in the big picture. The man bent over and picked up another starfish and as he turned to throw it into the sea, he said: it certainly makes a difference to this one!

There are so many children being exploited around the globe, how can you make a difference – one human being at a time. Your efforts in caring make take many forms, but multiplied in the hands of God will make all the difference in the world to the one God uses you to rescue. Perhaps God has chosen you to be some little girl or boys answer to prayer. Just because you can’t do everything, should never prevent you from dong something!

Just because my kids are safe and your kids are safe, does not mean the rest of the world’s kids are safe. In fact, human trafficking, child sex trade, slave labor and child soldiers have been steadily increasing over the past decade.

Child Rescue seeks to provide direct support through personal involvement, financial assistance, and increased awareness to accomplish a threefold purpose.

†1. Direct Victim Relief: CR supplies direct and collaborative assistance to those striving for the immediate relief and rescue of child slaves and sex trade victims.†

2. Victim Care: CR helps sponsor transitional counseling and skills training for those who have been rescued from the hands of evil. CR provides support to rehab centers and shelters who are involved in the tender job of salvaging, reshaping and transforming the lives of victims so that they may experience the transforming power of Christ from the inside out and return to a productive new life in Christ.

3. Community Awareness: The simple truth is this; no Christian can hear, see or know what is happening every hour of every day and feel no compulsion to do something. Maybe you feel led to pray, others to give, still others to carry the torch of awareness and mobilization. Get your church, school or youth group involved by in some way, on some level and see what God will produce through your efforts.

Examples of Exploitative Activity

Sexual Abuse
† Slavery
† Human Trafficking (abduction, forced prostitution or labor)
Child/Teen soldiers

Some people just dont get it . . .

Sunday, September 6th, 2009

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Teenagers and Eating Disorders

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009

At a recent Parent Conference, a single mom of a 9th grade girl pulled me aside to talk during the break. She wanted to know how she might identify the symptoms of teenage eating disorders. Not being a psychiatrist, Nutritional expert or medical doctor, I gave her a few quick insights and told her I would have to get back to her. (yes, there was the tired part of me that wanted to tell her to google or bing it for herself) But seeing the desperation and pain in her eyes, the Student Pastor side won out. Later that week and after a little research, I sent her the following notes and encouraged her to seek professional help from a trained counselor who specializes in treating teenagers addictive or destructive behavior.

Destructive eating habits can be related stress, tension, poor nutritional habits and cultural food fads. Unfortunately, the issue of eating disorders are relatively common problems for today’s teenagers.
According to several studies, eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia, are on the increase among teenage girls and young women. They study also shows that the problem tends to run in families. In the US, it is estimated that 10% of young women suffer from an eating disorder. While eating disorders also occur in boys, there are much fewer cases and not as difficult to treat.

The below notes are a good reminder for all of us. Sooner or later we will have to pray with a parent and youth who is in deep trouble from food . . . or the lack of it.
The two main disorders, anorexia nervosa and bulimia are characterized by a preoccupation with food and a distortion of body image. Sadly, one of the dangers les in the fact that most teenagers hide these serious and sometimes fatal disorders from their families and friends.
Symptoms and warning signs of anorexia nervosa and bulimia include the following:
• A teenager with anorexia nervosa is typically a perfectionist and a high achiever in school. At the same time, she suffers from low self-esteem, irrationally believing she is fat regardless of how thin she becomes. Desperately needing a feeling of mastery over her life, the teenager with anorexia nervosa experiences a sense of control only when she says “no” to the normal food demands of her body. In a relentless pursuit to be thin, the girl starves herself. This often reaches the point of serious damage to the body, and in a small number of cases may lead to death.
• The symptoms of bulimia are usually different from those of anorexia nervosa. The patient binges on huge quantities of high-caloric food and/or purges her body of dreaded calories by self-induced vomiting and often by using laxatives. These binges may alternate with severe diets, resulting in dramatic weight fluctuations. Teenagers may try to hide the signs of throwing up by running water while spending long periods of time in the bathroom. The purging of bulimia presents a serious threat to the patient’s physical health, including dehydration, hormonal imbalance, the depletion of important minerals, and damage to vital organs.
With comprehensive treatment, most teenagers can be relieved of the symptoms or helped to control eating disorders. The child and adolescent psychiatrist is trained to evaluate, diagnose, and treat these psychiatric disorders. Treatment for eating disorders usually requires a team approach; including individual therapy, family therapy, working with a primary care physician, working with a nutritionist, and medication. Many adolescents also suffer from other problems; including depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. It is important to recognize and get appropriate treatment for these problems as well.
Research shows that early identification and treatment leads to more favorable outcomes. Parents who notice symptoms of anorexia or bulimia in their teenagers should ask their family physician or pediatrician for a referral to a child and adolescent psychiatrist.
AND lest we forget where true power lies . . . read Ezra 10:4 “Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it.”

Features of Three Stages of Adolescent Development

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009

Table 1: Key Features of the Three Stages of Adolescent Development
Aspect of
Development Early Adolescence
Ages 10-13 Middle Adolescence
Ages 14-16 Late Adolescence
Ages 17-19
Physical • Significant physical/ sexual maturation
• Intense concern with body image • Continuing physical/ sexual changes
• Less concern with body image • Physical/ sexual changes complete
• Greater acceptance of physical appearance
Cognitive • Concrete thinking • Growth of capacity to think abstractly • Capacity for abstract thought in place
Emotional • Growing independence in decision-making • Development pf sense of identity
• Exploration of ability to attract partners begins • Sense of identity established
Social • Increasing influence of peers
• Feeling attracted to others begins • Enormous influence of peers/school environment
• Increase in sexual interest • Family influence more in balance with peer influence
• Serious intimate relationships begin to develop
• Transition to work, college, independent living
Behavioral • Experimenting with new ways of behaving begins • Risk-taking behavior • Capacity for realistic risk assessment
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Developmental Tasks
Adolescents face the major task of creating stable identities and becoming complete and productive adults (Perkins, Adolescence: Developmental Tasks, 2001). They take on this task in small steps along the way as they adapt to the changes they experience. These steps are themselves significant challenges and are listed in Table 2, adapted from Perkins (2001), Stroufe (1988), and American Psychological Association (2002):
________________________________________

Table 2: Reaching Adolescent Developmental Goals
Developmental Goal Reaching the Goal: Facts and Tips
Achieve new level of closeness and trust with peers. Adolescents learn through experimentation to interact with others in more adult ways.
Gain independence from parents and develop new status within the family. Change is smoother if adolescents and their parents agree on some level of independence that increases over time. Example: Setting curfew times that increase as the adolescent matures and demonstrates responsible behavior.
Develop a sense of personal identity. New cognitive abilities give adolescents the chance to reflect on who they are and what makes them unique. Adults can help adolescents in this quest by:
• Engaging them with non-threatening questions, such as: Who do you admire? What do you like to do in your free time? What do you consider to be your strengths? What have you done in your life that you feel proud of?
• Casually showing rational decision-making strategies, such as discussing how someone you know defined a problem, generated options, anticipated outcomes, and made a decision.
• Discussing ethical and moral problems that are in the news.
Move toward autonomy in the larger world. Adolescents need to begin to explore what will be their place in the world. Adults can help them to gain insightful experience by encouraging them to:
• Take on more responsibility in schoolwork and school-related activities.
• Get involved in community activities.
• Hold part-time or summer jobs.
• Develop future goals.
• Examine career/educational options.
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Four Major Questions Facing Adolescents
The growth of one’s intellect from concrete to abstract thinking makes adolescence an intense time of self-discovery. In their quest to define themselves and their relationship to the world, adolescents begin to ask themselves four basic abstract questions (Perkins, “Adolescence: The Four Questions,” 2001):
• Who am I? (pertaining to his or her sexuality and social roles)
• Am I normal? (Do I fit in with a certain crowd?)
• Am I competent? (Am I good at something that is valued by peers and parents?)
• Am I lovable and loving? (can someone besides Mom and Dad love me?)
Adults who work with adolescents need to recognize that these questions are quite central to the concerns of adolescents and should give them a chance to explore their own beliefs and find their own answers to these questions. Guidelines for assisting adolescents in their quest to answer each of these questions follow in Table 3 (Perkins, 2001).
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________________________________________
Table 3: Four Major Questions Facing Adolescents — Guidelines for Adults
Question Guidelines for Adults
Who am I? • Give them the freedom to explore their world. Only then can adolescents begin to answer this question.
Am I normal? • Give them room to be like their peers. Fitting in with peers helps adolescents feel “normal.”
• Monitor youth activities by using the four “W” questions:
o Where are you going?
o With whom are you going?
o What are you doing?
o When will you be home?
Am I competent? • Assist adolescents with their problems and challenges but do not solve them.
• Ask questions instead of telling, such “What are some things you could do?”
• Guide but do not direct.
Am I lovable and loving? Adolescents develop best when they have supportive families and community life that include:
• Warmth and mutual respect.
• Serious and lasting interest of parents and other adults.
• Adult attention to the changes they are experiencing.
• Clear standards regarding discipline and close supervision.
• Communication of high expectations for achievement and ethical behavior.
• Democratic ways of dealing with conflict.

Communication Skills

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009

Active Listening
Most parents are not ignorant of the concept and technique known as active listening. The problem arises when you overuse it or dismiss it in frustration. As an important skill for every parent and should be mastered. When you listen actively, you are sending your child the message that they are important enough to have your undivided attention. Many problems can be solved and even prevented when parents and leaders take the time to use active listening. This allows you to play the role of guide in helping teens be able to guide children into solving his/her problem with practical solutions and prayer.
Try these for simple steps to strengthen this skill.
• Stop what you are doing.
• Look at your child.
• Give your full attention.
• Listen to what is said.
• Comment on what you think you heard. Use reframing or retelling techniques.

Remember, don’t overdo it. Don’t over animate your expression and don’t sound as if you are doing this to step down to a less mature level.

Adolescence: The Last Step Before Becoming An Adult

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009

Adolescence: The Last Step Before Becoming An Adult
All children will journey through several developmental stages on their road to adulthood. Sometimes these stages look more like steps that must be completed before continuing on. For most (there are always rare exceptions) there are four or five such stages of growth where kids learn and model certain things. 1. Infancy (birth to age two), 2. Early childhood (ages 3 to 8 years), 3. Later childhood (ages 9 to 12) and 4. Adolescence (ages 13 to 18). Sometimes there is more of a distinct stage between later childhood and adolescence called pre-adolescence (age 13-14). But for most the basic four are propionate and distinct. In most countries and especially in the US, anyone 18 and over are considered adults in society. While some try to prolong their adolescence, others try to achieve it too quickly. On average, we all grew up and are growing up in this same pattern.
Parents typically will learn how to take care of their baby and young children from reading, observing and examples in their life. At the hospital or with the doctor, you might pick up information about what to feed them or how long they should sleep. Later, school faculty may remind you about the importance of talking and reading to your young children. You can also see how your friends or relatives treat their kids. You cannot say the same thing about learning to talk with teenagers (adolescents). It seems like everyone, even teachers and neighbors have difficulty relating to and understanding today’s students. Some give up and give in by simply doing and saying the same things your parents did at that age. Caution: those were different times!
You can begin to understand and relate to this age group much more effectively if you remind yourself where this group of people are in the overall growth sequence. Remember that fall right next to the adult stage, the last step before being an adult. Simple, but often we adults forget that even though they might look like, dress like and talk like an adult (at least when they want to) that they are NOT yet adults.
During this pre-adult stage, teens are trying to determine their future. Will I attend college or where will I attend college. What will I do for work? Will I have a family? Will I get married? Will I get rich or will I be poor? What tragedies will I face? The point is: that one of the first major steps towards healthy independence is that teens must start making their own decisions. There must be a gradual separation and restraint from rescueing and deciding for them when something big is at stake. Of course if the decsions and lessons could be learned with the same influence without consequences, we parents would opt for that. We don’t want to see our kids in pain but it is necessary for healthy development. To do this they must put a little distance between themselves and their parents. This does not mean that you can’t continue to “look after them” or help them when needed. You should, as much as possible, let them learn from the results of their actions. Example: they no longer want to go to youth group because “everyone is in middle school” or “I don’t get anything out of it” or “none of my friends go”. OK, listen up parents! This is not an example of giving them space. They may miss occasionally due to conflicts with youth group but the vast majority of the time they need to be connected to their youth group every week! Not monthly, weekly. One day you might need that support group called Youth Ministry – and then it is too late to slap it all together and it be adequate. Keep that as a non-option in the game of distance and freedom. Let their decision space be in the area of savings, spending, flexible times for curfew with good track record, choice of family outings, etc.
Remember, adolescents also need to be around other adults, both male and female. Don’t negate the important influence of grandparents, relatives, neighbors, coaches or teachers. Of course, they should be positive role models. Your teenagers can learn from them about things like how to fix the car, getting along with others, responsibility, family systems or ideas for future jobs. Finally, don’t worry if they want to spend time alone. Adolescents can kill lots of minutes day dreaming about their future life. However, make sure that the same minutes of freedom are not outnumbering their constructive minutes. A good statement you can use to declare to your teenager as a way of thinking, working, prioritizing and living is: What do I NEED to do before I do what I WANT to do.
Life is good, Live well!