Social Networking – A Loaded Weapon (Part 2)

Monday, April 30th, 2012

THE CHURCH AND EFFEMINACY

Monday, April 30th, 2012

THE CHURCH AND EFFEMINACY
Jarred, Jay and Poker Boyd
Many of us are familiar with the books, blogs, articles and conferences addressing the issue of what it means to be a man. From John Piper and Wayne Grudem’s “Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood”, to movies like “Courageous”, as well as messages like Mark Driscoll’s infamous “Marriage & Men” Sermon– most of us have heard the bell sounding for men to rise up. Even the popular Christian rap group, featuring Lecrae – 116 Clique – recently released an album and tour called “Man Up”. The general consensus for defining biblical manhood seems to be unanimous – taking responsibility and exemplifying leadership. “As defined in the Bible, manhood is a functional reality, demonstrated in a man’s fulfillment of responsibility and leadership (Mohler, Marks of Manhood).”

No argument there. After all, the bible has made it plain that men should be working towards or taking many responsibilities and leadership duties ranging from family, occupation, church, community, etc. This is obviously a much needed challenge from authors, artists, pastors, and moviemakers. However, I would like to address an issue that tends to be avoided and even downplayed in the subject of biblical manhood. There seems to be a growing number of effeminate men within our Christian culture. This article is intended as a discussion starter and nudge to action concerning the problem of effeminacy within the church as well as a biblical response through discipleship.

Definition: ef·fem·i·nate/iˈfemənit/ Adjective: derogatory. (of a man) Having or showing characteristics regarded as typical of a woman; unmanly. (Oxford Dictionary)

A Sad Reality

One young youth leader recently shared with me that he grew up in an average youth group. Yet during his seven years there he observed no less than three guys who were regular attendees, yet accepted for who they were – effeminate teenage guys. They displayed all of the common characteristics of effeminate men that we listed above. Even the girls accepted them as having more in common with them than the guys did – allowing them to be part of the girl talk and inner-circle joking that would have been out of bounds for any other guy. Though heckled a bit at school, these guys found a safe haven once they escaped to the youth group and church activities. The ladies inadvertently enabled this feminine behavior by looking past their feminine-like displays and seeing them as some sort of soft and safe alternative. Although the guys put much effort into accepting them, they naturally ended up avoiding them many times because of their feelings of discomfort. Predictably, they sometimes wondered if they were unaccepting and too judgmental. Sure, everyone knew this behavior was odd, but if anyone dare brought the matter up in conversation, the guilt banner would be waved. As a result, many young men have been taught to simply realize that some guys are gentler and just don’t enjoy the typical guy stuff. Less than two years into college, all three of these individuals ended up coming out of the closet to choose homosexuality. One of them even became president of the homosexual club of his college.

The Factors of Instigation

It’s sad to know that these individuals were never intentionally discipled and shown true masculinity and taught biblical manhood. One of the great dangers at stake here is the reality that, far too often, genuinely effeminate boys begin to believe they are homosexual simply because of their feminine tendencies. According to Dr. Paul Cameron of the Family Research Institute, there are four influences that (can lead to) homosexual desires – homosexual experience, family abnormality, unusual sexual experience (particularly in childhood), and cultural influences. Culture has certainly teamed up with the postmodern movement to “do what makes you feel happy.” And for the minority of effeminate males in our culture – this means often wrongly concluding that they were born homosexual because of their feminine tendencies. We want to encourage church leadership to address biblical masculinity so as to assist young men towards biblical masculinity and away from the choice of the effeminate and potential progression towards a homosexual lifestyle.

The Heterosexual Secret

There is a phrase known by many as “The heterosexual secret”. This is the term given to that uncomfortable feeling most every heterosexual male experiences at least to some degree while in the presence of effeminate men. The reason most men feel uncomfortable around effeminate guys is because it is unnatural and as such SHOULD make us uncomfortable. It isn’t innocent or trendy. It’s inappropriate and from a leadership standpoint, it sets a terrible example of biblical masculinity to the boys and teenagers within our churches – much less the lost world observing us. Still, some might consider this to be the concern of a homophobe, with the idea of real masculinity being completely regional, cultural, and/or subjective.

A growing number of biblically conservative young leaders are faced with the reality of serving on staff alongside those affected and even embracing the effeminate movement. In cases such as this, there is often little concern for sexual orientation due to the fact that they are married with families and seem well liked. Those who know these ministers agree that they seem to fit the definition provided above by Dr. Mohler for “Biblical manhood” because they take responsibility and roles of leadership within their homes and the church. Indeed, many are said to display true godliness and Christ-centered lifestyles. The issue lies in the example they provide for impressionable young people who are laboring over gender issues and in need of examples of masculine leadership. The thought of these effeminate leaders preaching and teaching young men who are struggling with gender issues, is quite honestly concerning. This scenario could promote the wrong assumption within these young men that it is acceptable and even lauded to be a Christian and display womanly characteristics. This would only further intensify the young men’s struggles with gender confusions.

Biblical Evidence for Masculinity

Still, one could argue that any feeling of discomfort is completely subjective. After all, who authored the code of masculinity? There’s nothing in the bible that states the specifics or standards of how men must walk, talk, and act in order to be considered masculine. One could use the phrase, “To each his own”. However, I think the concept of biblical masculinity is worth a closer look.

There aren’t any indications throughout the Bible of Godly figures being effeminate. We have every reason to believe that God consistently used men who displayed true masculinity. Obviously, there’s no way of knowing exactly how biblical characters walked, talked and expressed mannerisms. However, our LORD God is King, exercising absolute authority – “The universe is subject to Christ (Ephesians 1:22), Christ is subject to God the Father (1 Corinthians 15:28), the Church is subject to Christ (Ephesians 5:24), Christians are subject to God (James 4:7), and wives are subject to husbands (Colossians 3:18) – (Weber, Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart, p. 76).” We serve a masculine God who practices headship. Not a submissive, irresponsible, weenie unable to command all things. Men should likewise be authoritative, responsible, resilient and tough-minded – able to take command. God is also described in the Bible as a Warrior. Now, let’s just pause for a second… when you hear that word “warrior”, do you picture a girly-man on the frontlines of a battle or William Wallace? Wallace, of course! King Jesus is a warrior, as described in Revelation 19:11-16

My point is that we must confront the issue of effeminacy in our churches and expect men to display a masculinity that is God-given. I believe the issue of effeminacy is a learned behavior and the fact that so many men are being raised fatherless is certainly part of the problem. Consider how the secular government authorities in Malaysia are dealing with the issue. A certain headline reads: “Malaysia sends 66 boys to boot camp.” Officials identified and sent 66 boys who displayed feminine characteristics to a boot camp in which they were taught masculinity. (http://ibnlive.in.com/news/malaysia-sends-effeminate-boys-to-boot-camp/149825-19.html). While I disagree with the extreme singling out of certain individuals on such a corporate and governmental level, at least someone has identified the fact that it is unnatural and a problem that can lead down an unwanted path. Wouldn’t these boys be much better off if the corrections were made as a part of the discipleship process rather than a secular boot camp? Discipleship should be taking place in our churches from older men to younger men. Every Timothy needs a Paul. Effeminate boys should be discipled rather than avoided because they make us feel “uncomfortable” or because we’re scared to address it as an issue. Men must come alongside these individuals and teach them what masculinity looks like and help families and fathers confront the issue rather than waiting until it’s too late. This undoubtedly means that church leaders need to exemplify masculinity if they are to help set the example. For example, one youth pastor I know had a college leader helping out within his youth group who displayed feminine tendencies (especially when he was up front). After noticing the potential problem it could create, the youth pastor took this individual out to lunch to address the matter in a loving, yet shepherding manner. The deal was made that he’d still be able to lead and contribute in a behind the scenes role, but until the effeminate tendencies were corrected, he wouldn’t be allowed to be up front. Although there was initial lash back, the young man, within a few months was allowed back into his naturally gifted area of leading up front. Now, over the course of a couple years, that young man has almost completely erased his feminine tendencies displaying masculinity.

Another youth pastor I’ve heard about noticed a growing number of effeminate boys within his youth group. The youth pastor implemented an annual winter guys retreat, in which the boys are taught biblical manhood and are shown true masculinity. He emphasized activities that were predominately masculine, such as camping in the woods, chopping fire-wood, building shelters and fires, and many other activities. Through one-on-one sessions, leaders are able to confront these effeminate issues and encourage the importance of masculinity and specific steps to making adjustments. This is what it means to disciple and come along side these feminine individuals without singling them out and embarrassing them. It should always be loving, compassionate, and biblical.

I fear that churches who employ effeminate pastors and/or elevate effeminate leaders without pause are on a slippery slope towards compromising innate, God-given characteristics that make up the very essence of masculinity. Therefore, to summarize, I believe that the two overarching issues at hand with effeminacy among Christian men, are: One, the fact that it has the potential for leading young men to incorrectly believe themselves to be born as homosexual, and secondly, it erroneously displays within a church leadership context a misrepresentation of manhood and masculinity. Because of these issues, I believe the biblical resolution is to come alongside effeminate men in love and usher them into masculinity through discipleship and exemplifying masculinity to them.

Making a practical case for establishing or keeping a student leadership team

Thursday, December 1st, 2011

Over the years, I have observed a reduction in the number of student ministers establishing and/or maintaining student leadership teams. I am talking about MS, HS and College age who serve as leadership among their peers for the purpose of effecting and advancing ministry. There is just as much to be said about forming and/or nurturing an adult team of leadership but if you need that spill then your days are numbered already and probably too far gone to be helped. OK, maybe not too far gone but dad-gum-it, how did you get this far without enlisting a team of adults who love, support and carry the water bucket for you? I feel a rant coming on but that’s another series.
For now I want to share, convince, implore, admonish, encourage, beg and whatever else is needed to get you to prayerfully consider the value of a student leadership team of adolescents. The work of securing leadership is hard work and never ending. One reason many youth leaders are letting leadership teams go is that they are running at 90 mph with their hair on fire and cannot stop long enough to punt and retool. Another reason is that student pastors simply do not know how to practically and equitably secure a team without hurt feelings, seeming exclusive or encouraging elitism. But, it can be done, is worth the effort and far better than any other system of implementation.
I have seen many cool and not so cool names for these teams. The name does not matter unless you are sporting a culturally astute gotee, black rim glasses, pencil pants or wear a beanie when its barely cold outside.

See sample names at the end of this – if you last that long.

NOTE** The Youth leadership is a NOMINATION process and not an ELECTION – big difference. Elections are decided by number of votes, a nomination is simply an indication that someone thinks of that person an eligible leader. They must still meet the criteria laid out on the nomination ballet. (sample criteria: confessing Christ follower, faithful to small groups, active member of church and student ministry initiatives, concerned about peers, willing to serve, team player, etc.)
The adult leadership team can nominate as well and/or “confirm” the slate of nominations after the Student Pastor selects from the ballots. The number of votes may be considered by the youth pastor in selection but is not bound by it. He can also add a youth as a member-at-large if he fills a youth should be on it but would not get votes. NEVER REVEAL TO PARENTS OR COMMITTEE THE ACTUAL ballot return vote numbers. Only submit the slate as a total team. the shred the results – parents can get crazy – just ask the cheerleading coach :)

The team (whatever you end up naming it) is patterned after the following ideas
1. We are in the discipleship and training business. Leadership youth should be learning what it means to be an elder and/or a deacon (servants)
2. Leadership students will sit on the sidelines unless they have an outgoing extrovert personality. They need a platform of responsibility at church.
3. Leadership students need a platform from which to leverage the vision being cast by the YM.
4. The youth leaders need a platform from which to promote events, ministry action and his vision.
5. Students need to know WHO it is that the YM is pointing to as good examples to trust and follow their own age.
6. Student leaders need responsibility just like a team needs a captain to offer direction.
7. Students need peers who can carry their opinions, likes, dislikes to the adult leadership.
8. A leadership team gives the YM a means for trial and error without shouldering the burden alone.
9. A YM (no matter how young and vibrant) will eventually need a sounding board from whick to float ideas, changes, concepts and ministry events.
10. A YM needs a safe sounding board that is invested in the ministry and proven it through service.
11. A YM needs a smaller group (um, lets say about 12) to invest in on a deeper level.
12. Students need peers they can look towards as designated leaders when times are tough or in crisis or personal hurt.
13. A youth ministry team of students provides a safe layer of protection from outside negative attacks in the same way an Adult Leadership Team does for the youth minister during delicate situations or controversial changes.
14. Having a leadership team of youth shifts the emphasis from planning and executing event details to coordinating leadership.
15. Having a leadership team of youth is an investment in future leaders
16. Having a leadership team reduces the risk of burn-out
17. Promotes a greater amount of honest and age-specific evaluation.

It’s Biblical
a. Moses delegated due to the sheer demand on his time. (See Exodus 18)
b. The Judges did the same; they delegated tasks inside and outside the temple.
c. The disciples enlisted assistance – Ephesians 4:11-12 to equip the saints for the work of the ministry, not so the saints can help the Minister do his job but so the saints will be equipped to do the true work of the church.

What happens when one person ties to do it all?
1. The maximum that can be done by a single person is limited, it will max out, it will come to a conclusion. You will hit a wall.
2. The disciples and lay-people turned the world upside down after being equipped to do the ministry and set apart.
Lion and Tigers illustration! If a Tiger can beat a lion in battle for food or territory, why is the Lion called the King of the Jungle! Because one-on-one a Tiger will win, but three on three Lions win every time and thus have earned the title King of the Jungle because they work together for success so intelligently. Lions instinctively know how to work together. They instinctively work to defeat their enemies. Lions live in Prides, which is a family group of two or more males and two or more females with several young, and they instinctively join together when they face an enemy. They live, hunt together and protect their families together. What a picture God has given us to model against the enemy and collaborative efforts between families.
IN the case of Student Ministry often, we find a lonely LION working hard but unable to accomplish all that is needed or expected because there is a disconnect from the pride. He is not meant to work, hunt, protect and provide alone but rather he is designed to work in, through and alongside a PRIDE. I think the “pride” is one-part student leadership team and one-part adult leadership team.

A not so cool list of leadership team names
SLT – servant leadership team
SMC – student ministry council
SMAC – student ministry action council
SMAT – student ministry action team
SC – Shepherd’s club
SLT – Servant Leadership Team
SLAT – Servant Leadership Action Team
YC – youth council
YLC – youth leadership council

Sensationalism and Agendas

Monday, June 13th, 2011

Ever thought something was not right but you never took the time to prove it?

No doubt you have heard or perhaps even believed and quoted two major youth ministry myths:

Myth #1 – Youth ministers only stay at a church 18 months or less.
Myth #2 – 90% of youth are abandoning their faith after high school.

The fact is, both of these often repeated statistics are simply myths. Several youth ministry experts such as Dr. Wesley Black at South Western Baptist Theological Seminary, Dr. Ken Kageler of NYACK College and Seminary, Dr. Gary Bredfeldt of Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary and Dr. Timothy Paul Jones of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary have documented the false data often repeated by so called “experts”. The research behind much of raw data correcting and revealing such false negatives comes from an in-depth research project by Brandon Shields, PhD under the supervision of SBTS professors. So what are the facts? Lets look at an average youth minister in the US. A combination of surveys from approximately 3000 youth ministers reveals the following profile.

33 years old
Remains in a church position 3.9 years.
75% are married
76% are male.
94% have a 2 year college or university degree
49% of those with college degrees are ministry related majors and
42% of those with degrees are in a youth ministry emphasis or major.
62% serve in suburban ministry settings
The majority are Baptist (20%)
38% receive no health insurance benefit;
47% receive no continuing education, auto or travel allowance
43% receive no housing allowance
64% receive no social security contributions
50% receive no budget for professional supplies, resources, or books.
72% percent struggle with feelings of being inadequate or ineffective in ministry.
64% who begin ministry under age 25 with no mentor will leave the ministry in less than 4 years
78.4 % left youth ministry by age thirty-nine
22% left during their twenties
16% left the ministry in less than two years
3.1 years average at a single position
89% said they had considered leaving the ministry
57% said they would leave immediately if they had a better place to go, including secular work.

While the above data is not a glowing testimony of tenure, it does dispel much of the myth regarding 18 months.

Myth #2 Youth Are Leaving the Christian Faith at Alarming Rates

Monday, June 13th, 2011

What about youth leaving the church and abandoning the Christian faith?

The new research conducted at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary shatters the notion that youth are dropping out of church and rejecting Christ at alarming rates.

Despite how some agenda driven ministers have twisted the data to create a “new model” or to “re-think” the traditional model, the data reveals very encouraging news. In fact, the data is so positive (compared to the accepted myth) that those who have been in the trenches over the past decade or two ought to shout in celebration. What is the impetus for this celebration? It is the fact that 88% of students who graduated from conservative Southern Baptist mega-churches with a traditional approach to youth ministry stayed actively involved with church after high school graduation. While this study was conducted among mega-churches, a similarly positive indication can be extended to large, medium and small churches. Also, LifeWay found that while 70% of all denomination youth do “drop out” (attending twice or less per month) after graduation, two thirds of them return in their twenties. Those of us who live in the youth ministry world know that many strong Christian youth go “off the radar” (attending but not being counted) for about a year after graduation. Many times they simply attend but do not join. Other times, they attend on-campus bible studies or worship outlets that are not part of the data being reported. In other cases, youth simply leaver for a period while exploring new found freedom, temporarily relaxing their spiritual disciplines only to return to them after a season. The fact that two thirds our youth return to “active” status is amazing! Combine that with the 30% who were “faithful” is huge cause for celebration!

Surprising data from USA Today on Gay Lesbian Population

Wednesday, May 25th, 2011

Surprising data from USA Today on Gay Lesbian Population
USA TODAY

The prestigious study (released in March by the National Center for Health Statistics and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) discovered a much smaller number of “gays, lesbians and homosexuals” than generally reported by the news media. While pop-culture frequently cites the figure of one in 10 (based on 60-year-old, widely discredited conclusions from pioneering sex researcher Alfred Kinsey) the new study finds only 1.4% of the population identifying with same-sex orientation.

Moreover, even among those who describe themselves as homosexual or bisexual (a grand total of 3.7% of the 18-44 age group), overwhelming majorities (81%) say they’ve experienced sex with partners of the opposite gender. Among those who call themselves heterosexual, on the other hand, only a tiny minority (6%) ever engaged in physical intimacy of any kind with a member of the same sex These figure indicate that 94% of those living heterosexual lives felt no physical attraction to members of the same sex, but the great bulk of self-identified homosexuals and bisexuals feel enough intimate interest in the opposite gender to engage in erotic contact at some stage in their development.

In fact, numbers show huge majorities of those who “ever had same sex sexual contact” do not identify long-term as gay. Among women 18-44, for instance, 12.5% report some form of same sex contact at some point in their lives, but among the older segment of that group (35-44), only 0.7% identify as homosexual and 1.1% as bisexual.

In other words, for the minority who may have experimented with gay relationships at some juncture in their lives, well over 80% explicitly renounced homosexual (or even bisexual) self-identification by age of 35. For the clear majority of males (as well as women) who report gay encounters, homosexual activity appears to represent a passing phase, or even a fleeting episode, rather than an unshakable, genetically pre-determined orientation.

The once popular phrase “sexual preference” has been indignantly replaced with the term “sexual orientation” because political correctness now insists there is no factor of willfulness or volition in the development of erotic identity. This may well be the case for the 94% of males and 87% of females (ages 18-44) who have never experienced same-sex contact of any kind and may never have questioned their unwavering straight outlook — an outlook deemed “normal” in an earlier age.

For the less than 2% of men and women who see themselves as gay, however, the issue of sexual orientation remains vastly more complicated. Within a month of the release of the CDC/NCHS report, one of the world’s most respected think tanks on gay life confirmed some of its most surprising findings, without specifically referencing the recent government study. UCLA’s Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation Law and Public Policy offered a new estimate of homosexual identification: concluding that 1.7% of Americans say they’re gay, and a slightly larger group (1.8%) identified as bisexual — by definition attracted to both genders and shaping their sexual behavior through some mixture of inclination and preference.

Christian Response to OB being stalked and killed

Monday, May 2nd, 2011

I have been listening to radio and reading blogs today about the death of OB. I like the exchange taking place in many of the Christian posts but it never surprises me how people who enjoy the comfort of living in a country that actually enforces the Rule of Law and defends its freedom through necessary force, find it offensive to interpret the bible correctly regarding justice, capital punishment or killing during time of war. How much of the OT do progressives want to cut out in order to find their “comfort level” with the inspired, infallible word of God – oops there’s the problem . . . progressive revelation.
Might as well open that hanger door for all those who like to “fly” the plane but can’t seem to land it.
If political correctness creeps any further into the faith community we will have to commission a Universalist or Progressive to write a whole new bible – one that fits our culture and sophisticated, civilized society where no one is offended, left out or held accountable for personal choices – a happy place where everybody gets a trophy and hell is empty.
OK, that was a bit harsh and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s psyche, but I already admitted to being weary of the love, love, love crowd that sounds more often like a boy-band song than someone rightly dividing the word of truth. Some people get so politically correct that they rationalize every point of justice, wrath and vengeance weather a direct hit from the voice/hand of God or indirectly through the results of war. You CAN get so open-minded that your brains fall out.

What if OB’s attack on the WTC had been a home invasion? It would be a different story and harder for liberals to explain why force unto death is objectionable. Story – Repeat offender and known murderer breaks into your home with intent to kill you and your family. But, you are prepared for such a day – one you hoped and prayed would never come – but it did come and rather than falling to your knees to reason with the intruder or squatting in the closet praying over your wife and kids, you took your gun and shot him as evil-incarnate busted down your bedroom door.. No the psycho is not our enemy (as someone will surely remind me) but he is oppressed and controlled by the enemy so much so that the bullet cant tell which one to hit – so I shoot him because the life of my family is my priority and responsibility before God. If it had been a home invasion, my first prayer after emptying my clip into him, would be: “ Thank you God for granting me the mercy of life and for allowing me the terrible success of killing this psycho murdering fanatical religious child made in your image. and Thank you father for sparing the lives of other innocent victims he has sworn to murder (all Americans and Jews) so that they may have the chance to experience salvation before it is too late. Thank you for saving me from death, thank you for sparing my family and thank you that this enemy of humanity and life is dead.

I do not celebrate the addition to hell that surely increased by (1) when OB fulfilled his reservation but I do rejoice in the justice and mercy of God to stop him from perpetuating unspeakable and horrific murder on innocent men, women and children – some of whom undoubtedly left this world without knowing Christ.
Hats off to the Navy Seals and for those who risked their life that we may live in freedom to express our faith – liberal, conservative and everything in between.

OK, that feels better . . .

Family Minister vs Student Pastor

Thursday, March 10th, 2011

There is a lot of buzz in the past 5 years about the role of the Student Minister vs. the idea of a Family Pastor doing student ministry.
Perhaps what has given the profession of student minister a bad name and a “call” for change is that many who operated in the past generation under the title of Youth Minister were in reality Directors of Student Activities in the Church. (not an actual title that I am aware of) but the point being that they were neither trained in adolescent ministry nor called by God to be the primary shepherd in “assisting” mom and dad in their biblical responsibility. While there are numerous reasons the “Family” minister replacing the Student Minister is a bad idea I would like to advocate a balanced approach and highlight the fact that many of the minster friends I have from the past 29 years of SM were doing some form of Family based, simple church, purpose driven, relational ministry with a side order of event based ministry activities all along. Family ministry . . . of course, when it can be achieved through willing and capable parents. Show me one single growing, healthy church with more than 50 students operating under a Family Minister title who is successful. Can’t find one? Me either because even those who do have a title promoting family based student ministry end up duplicating many of the same ministry programs and relational components that non-family ministry titled positions do. Why, because no matter what happens in culture – if kids have any say so at all, any discretionary time, any freedom to choose activities, a church will need to provide a platform by which to get their attention, build an atmosphere of acceptance, train their friends to disciple and evangelize and pull parents off the sidelines into a biblical parenting role of chief discipling agent in the family system.
No doubt that many churches need to blow up their so called “student ministry” and start over with a biblical, healthy comprehensive approach to making disciples within the adolescent community. Many more however simply need to refocus their primary attention on making disciples of those God entrust to them and creating an atmosphere where students can connect with caring adults whether they have supportive Jesus following parents or not.
OK, I could go on for about three more chapters but . . . I will close with a prediction that I already see happening. Those churches who abandon the role of the student pastor in favor of a true “family” minister will soon find themselves wondering why all the MS and HS students are hanging out at the church down the street – oh yeah, it’s because they still have a highly trained proficient, facilitating, point person, family advocating, relational, core group building, word preaching student pastor who knows what his job is. And, in years to come, the churches who abandon the Student Pastor position will be easy to identify because they will be the congregations with loads of AARP bumper stickers, plenty of vacant parking spaces next to the student center and no-one sitting in the first 5 rows where all the “young folks” once sat.

Active Listening – A good tool for parents

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011

Active Listening

Most parents are familiar with the concept and technique known as active listening. The problem arises when the technique gets overused or dismissed in frustration.

I am not an expert in child psychology or communication but when communicating with the adolescent world, AL becomes an an important skill that will help any parent communicate more effectively with their teen.

When you listen actively, you are sending your child the message that they are important enough to have your undivided attention. Many problems can be solved and even prevented when parents and leaders take the time to use active listening. This allows you to play the role of a guide in helping teens hear their feelings expressed and guide them into solving them. It is a practical solutions that when combined withy prayer, creates a very powerful skill.

Try these for simple steps to strengthen this skill.

• Stop what you are doing.

• Look at your child.

• Give your full attention.

• Listen to what is said.

• Comment on what you think you heard.

• Use reframing or retelling techniques.

Parental communication

Tuesday, March 1st, 2011

I was in Orlando recently for the Youth Pastor’s Summit. After day one, I stopped on the way home to meet some guys for a few hot-wings (God’s favored food) and arrived a few minutes early. At a nearby booth, a mom was in a dual with her pre-school son. It was escalating by the second and I just knew that little boy was in a count-down to consequences. Any second, I pictured him being snatched from his seat and marched into the “ladies” room for a little “one-on-one time. Any moment, she is going to help him realize how unacceptable it is to speak to his mother that way. Anytime now, he is going to visit the house-of-pain for throwing a fit and yelling at his mother. I felt a reluctant smile ease onto my face as I anticipated this youngster’s moment of “understanding”, the moment it would all become clear. I prayed he would come to his senses before it was too late, before the mommy-hammer came down on his world. But that moment did not come. The next five minutes were painful . . . not painful for the boy but rather for everyone around, painful as we watched the ob-scene unfold.

This mom was trying to reason with her 5yr. old. On the one hand it was comical because she was talking over his head one minute and using a baby-mommy talk the next. Mostly it was sad because everyone (but mommy) seem to know that the moment of “reason” (which is extremely limited at 5yrs) came an left with the loud response:”NO, I WONT” and “I HATE YOU” spewing from his lips. Now let me say up front that I admit to having a lack of appreciation for and limited tolerance with the “whinese” language, baby-talk and cowardice parenting that would rather befriend their child than parent them.

Since I am not a child psychologist or counselor, you can place this in your parenting for idiots file, hit delete or consider the practical lesson for parents. Where was I, yes: (waiting for my buds and dreaming of 10 mild wings with ranch dressing) The 5yr old was winning the battle of the will and the mom was attempting to deal with his behavior like a husband and wife might discuss a difference of opinion over wold events.
You have got to be kidding me! It took all I could do not to get up, go over to their table, ease into the booth seat next to the boy, smile at the young mom and say – have YOU LOST YOUR MIND? ARE YOU REALLY THIS CLUELESS? Do you truly think that you can reason with a 5 year old? Do you think this approach is going to develop a healthy respect for authority or a better awareness that actions have consequences? Do you really expect this to do the job? Do you think he is reasonable at this age? Do you think he is going to agree to your terms and conditions for acceptable behavior without it costing him something more than “mommy is not happy with you right now . . . Quinton” ? My heart went out to her because I could see that she was a single parent mom with her hands full and . . . I’ve been there (ok, not there or as a single parent, but in a public place with an unhappy child on my hands).

Somewhere in the parenting process she had bought into some form of politically correct, liberal parenting style that says: “I don’t want to hurt his little psyche” or “lets be friends and reason this thing out together” or “if I spank him, someone might be offended”, or “if I get firm with him, it might harm his self esteem”. I wanted to tell her to hold the line, stand strong and be willing to be disliked or the object of ill feelings for a short while. I wanted so bad for her to say: “OK, look here young man, if you don’t straighten up we are going to take a little trip to the ladies room and it will not be so you can pee pee”. Or, “if you don’t stop this right now, we are going to leave without you getting lunch and when we get home, you are going to get a whuppin to help you understand what is ok and what is not”.
I wanted to tell her that this little boy does not need you to be his friend nearly as much as he needs you to be his rock. His rock of defense, his rock of offense and his rock of steadfast unconditional love. Dr. James Dobson has an old book called “Parenting isn’t for Cowards” and I would love to place a copy into her hands. She needs it, I needed it, we all need help to parent. My kids are grown now so I can confess my many mistakes along the way but one thing I do know is that PARENTING is hard work. Loving your child enough to PARENT WELL requires a lot more than being liked, reasoning out behavior, everyone being happy and peace without battles. Parenting is messy, wonderful, painful and incredible and by God’s grace Christian parents can contribute to a sturdy generation-next.
So what . . . ? So . . . stand strong and parent well in the grace of Jesus. For parents, it is a high calling to take very serious. For student pastors, it is a needed ministry to the parents of those you lead.

BTW, the 5 year old must have won because he did not have to sit down, he did get to order exactly what he wanted, she did give him money for the video games, he did not have to eat what she had paid for and he continued to be belligerent but . . . he was kind enough to use his “inside” voice.
Good luck parent . . . I mean, mom. Maybe the student pastor can “fix” him for you when he reaches middles school . . . if you will drop him off at youth group or sign him up for camp . . . . if that makes him happy . . . or if your not too tired or if you have enough money after sports camp, vacation and summer entertainment.