Family Minister vs Student Pastor

Thursday, March 10th, 2011

There is a lot of buzz in the past 5 years about the role of the Student Minister vs. the idea of a Family Pastor doing student ministry.
Perhaps what has given the profession of student minister a bad name and a “call” for change is that many who operated in the past generation under the title of Youth Minister were in reality Directors of Student Activities in the Church. (not an actual title that I am aware of) but the point being that they were neither trained in adolescent ministry nor called by God to be the primary shepherd in “assisting” mom and dad in their biblical responsibility. While there are numerous reasons the “Family” minister replacing the Student Minister is a bad idea I would like to advocate a balanced approach and highlight the fact that many of the minster friends I have from the past 29 years of SM were doing some form of Family based, simple church, purpose driven, relational ministry with a side order of event based ministry activities all along. Family ministry . . . of course, when it can be achieved through willing and capable parents. Show me one single growing, healthy church with more than 50 students operating under a Family Minister title who is successful. Can’t find one? Me either because even those who do have a title promoting family based student ministry end up duplicating many of the same ministry programs and relational components that non-family ministry titled positions do. Why, because no matter what happens in culture – if kids have any say so at all, any discretionary time, any freedom to choose activities, a church will need to provide a platform by which to get their attention, build an atmosphere of acceptance, train their friends to disciple and evangelize and pull parents off the sidelines into a biblical parenting role of chief discipling agent in the family system.
No doubt that many churches need to blow up their so called “student ministry” and start over with a biblical, healthy comprehensive approach to making disciples within the adolescent community. Many more however simply need to refocus their primary attention on making disciples of those God entrust to them and creating an atmosphere where students can connect with caring adults whether they have supportive Jesus following parents or not.
OK, I could go on for about three more chapters but . . . I will close with a prediction that I already see happening. Those churches who abandon the role of the student pastor in favor of a true “family” minister will soon find themselves wondering why all the MS and HS students are hanging out at the church down the street – oh yeah, it’s because they still have a highly trained proficient, facilitating, point person, family advocating, relational, core group building, word preaching student pastor who knows what his job is. And, in years to come, the churches who abandon the Student Pastor position will be easy to identify because they will be the congregations with loads of AARP bumper stickers, plenty of vacant parking spaces next to the student center and no-one sitting in the first 5 rows where all the “young folks” once sat.

Active Listening – A good tool for parents

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011

Active Listening

Most parents are familiar with the concept and technique known as active listening. The problem arises when the technique gets overused or dismissed in frustration.

I am not an expert in child psychology or communication but when communicating with the adolescent world, AL becomes an an important skill that will help any parent communicate more effectively with their teen.

When you listen actively, you are sending your child the message that they are important enough to have your undivided attention. Many problems can be solved and even prevented when parents and leaders take the time to use active listening. This allows you to play the role of a guide in helping teens hear their feelings expressed and guide them into solving them. It is a practical solutions that when combined withy prayer, creates a very powerful skill.

Try these for simple steps to strengthen this skill.

• Stop what you are doing.

• Look at your child.

• Give your full attention.

• Listen to what is said.

• Comment on what you think you heard.

• Use reframing or retelling techniques.

Parental communication

Tuesday, March 1st, 2011

I was in Orlando recently for the Youth Pastor’s Summit. After day one, I stopped on the way home to meet some guys for a few hot-wings (God’s favored food) and arrived a few minutes early. At a nearby booth, a mom was in a dual with her pre-school son. It was escalating by the second and I just knew that little boy was in a count-down to consequences. Any second, I pictured him being snatched from his seat and marched into the “ladies” room for a little “one-on-one time. Any moment, she is going to help him realize how unacceptable it is to speak to his mother that way. Anytime now, he is going to visit the house-of-pain for throwing a fit and yelling at his mother. I felt a reluctant smile ease onto my face as I anticipated this youngster’s moment of “understanding”, the moment it would all become clear. I prayed he would come to his senses before it was too late, before the mommy-hammer came down on his world. But that moment did not come. The next five minutes were painful . . . not painful for the boy but rather for everyone around, painful as we watched the ob-scene unfold.

This mom was trying to reason with her 5yr. old. On the one hand it was comical because she was talking over his head one minute and using a baby-mommy talk the next. Mostly it was sad because everyone (but mommy) seem to know that the moment of “reason” (which is extremely limited at 5yrs) came an left with the loud response:”NO, I WONT” and “I HATE YOU” spewing from his lips. Now let me say up front that I admit to having a lack of appreciation for and limited tolerance with the “whinese” language, baby-talk and cowardice parenting that would rather befriend their child than parent them.

Since I am not a child psychologist or counselor, you can place this in your parenting for idiots file, hit delete or consider the practical lesson for parents. Where was I, yes: (waiting for my buds and dreaming of 10 mild wings with ranch dressing) The 5yr old was winning the battle of the will and the mom was attempting to deal with his behavior like a husband and wife might discuss a difference of opinion over wold events.
You have got to be kidding me! It took all I could do not to get up, go over to their table, ease into the booth seat next to the boy, smile at the young mom and say – have YOU LOST YOUR MIND? ARE YOU REALLY THIS CLUELESS? Do you truly think that you can reason with a 5 year old? Do you think this approach is going to develop a healthy respect for authority or a better awareness that actions have consequences? Do you really expect this to do the job? Do you think he is reasonable at this age? Do you think he is going to agree to your terms and conditions for acceptable behavior without it costing him something more than “mommy is not happy with you right now . . . Quinton” ? My heart went out to her because I could see that she was a single parent mom with her hands full and . . . I’ve been there (ok, not there or as a single parent, but in a public place with an unhappy child on my hands).

Somewhere in the parenting process she had bought into some form of politically correct, liberal parenting style that says: “I don’t want to hurt his little psyche” or “lets be friends and reason this thing out together” or “if I spank him, someone might be offended”, or “if I get firm with him, it might harm his self esteem”. I wanted to tell her to hold the line, stand strong and be willing to be disliked or the object of ill feelings for a short while. I wanted so bad for her to say: “OK, look here young man, if you don’t straighten up we are going to take a little trip to the ladies room and it will not be so you can pee pee”. Or, “if you don’t stop this right now, we are going to leave without you getting lunch and when we get home, you are going to get a whuppin to help you understand what is ok and what is not”.
I wanted to tell her that this little boy does not need you to be his friend nearly as much as he needs you to be his rock. His rock of defense, his rock of offense and his rock of steadfast unconditional love. Dr. James Dobson has an old book called “Parenting isn’t for Cowards” and I would love to place a copy into her hands. She needs it, I needed it, we all need help to parent. My kids are grown now so I can confess my many mistakes along the way but one thing I do know is that PARENTING is hard work. Loving your child enough to PARENT WELL requires a lot more than being liked, reasoning out behavior, everyone being happy and peace without battles. Parenting is messy, wonderful, painful and incredible and by God’s grace Christian parents can contribute to a sturdy generation-next.
So what . . . ? So . . . stand strong and parent well in the grace of Jesus. For parents, it is a high calling to take very serious. For student pastors, it is a needed ministry to the parents of those you lead.

BTW, the 5 year old must have won because he did not have to sit down, he did get to order exactly what he wanted, she did give him money for the video games, he did not have to eat what she had paid for and he continued to be belligerent but . . . he was kind enough to use his “inside” voice.
Good luck parent . . . I mean, mom. Maybe the student pastor can “fix” him for you when he reaches middles school . . . if you will drop him off at youth group or sign him up for camp . . . . if that makes him happy . . . or if your not too tired or if you have enough money after sports camp, vacation and summer entertainment.

What do students expect at church?

Monday, February 28th, 2011

We can be tempted to think that students really do not care about what happens at church. After all, they are the post-modern, post-sacrificial, post-caring generation that don’t give a rip. However, I find that many students do care, do want input and do have expectations.
I like what Barna reveals in the following results:

What expectations do teens have about attending church? What do they expect from the time they “invest” ?

45% Worship or make a connection with God.
42% Better understand what I believe
34% Spend time with friends
34% Get encouraged or inspired
30% Volunteer to help others.

What do teens learn from their experiences in church? (top four answers)

65% Moral and ethical standards
62% Relationships
55% Faith traditions
50% Personal evangelism

A Few Student Ministry Stats

Tuesday, January 25th, 2011

•88% of children raised in Christian families leave church at the age of 18, never to return (SBC).
•A majority of adults no longer consider Christianity America’s default faith (Barna).
•64% of decisions for Christ are made before the age of 18, and 77% are made before the age of 21 (Barna).
•An estimated 4% of the “bridger” generation, or Gen Y, will be Bible-believing Christians when they reach adulthood. Their grandparents’ generation: 65%. Their parents’ generation: 35%. (Bridger Generation by Thom S. Rainer).
•A student ministry that provides outwardly focused ministries keep 61% of students compared to 47% of those who do not. (Rainer)
•A student ministry that provides mission action as a componant of regular ministry will keep 11% more students than those who do not.(Rainer)

Cell Phone Rescue

Monday, November 22nd, 2010

I recently saw a commercials for a Smart Phone that will actually “save” you from your cell phone. The commercial is sort of cool but I am not sure a phone can cure our generation of this present “connection” epidemic. Yes, epidemic because some people do not have any will-power or edicate when it comes to their cell.

The implication from the commercial is that people are so attached to their phones for daily scheduling, life style data, social networking, on the job communication and customized information resource that they need rescuing from their phone.

I have watched people walk through parking lots with eyes glued to a 3.5″ screen so focused that their life was endangered from reasonable motorist.
I see moms who cant give attention to their children because “every” phone call must be answered. Like a speed dialing tornado they multi-task between text, talk and taxi service; conquering the day like a professional cell-mate. I watch dads who look like corporate phone zombies- dead to all that is around them except the life umbilical of of the blackberry or iphone. They have no willpower over the ring – and the little league game soon turns into a after hours sales call.

Phone Etiquette: don’t get me started. I would love to tap the guy on the shoulder in the booth next to me at lunch and say: Hey buddy, yeah you with the blue tooth in your ear – do you mind taking that call outside where no one gives a crap. Does the concept of “common space” mean anything in the book of courtesy anymore?

BTW . . . the blue tooth is not really all that cool anymore, so lets all agree that we can remove the little blue-light-blinkers unless driving. Besides, walking around Walmart or the local lunch deli talking to yourself no longer impresses whoever it is that needs impressing – unless the person is sporting a “mullet” cut and still gets a excited when Billy Ray sings Achey Breaky.

Are smart phones really that great? Yes, just ask my digital assistant on my iphone. The apps are amazing! Besides keeping me informed, they make me appear Geek-Squad approved.
But, do we need rescuing . . . I think so . . . but the newest phone out there will not be able to rescue us.
A simple exercise of self-control and discipline will do the trick.
So here is some Rocket Science – Put the phone down. Leave the call for later. Let your kids see you decide NOT to take the call because your with them. Wait on that reply text. Give the kids in the family taxi your full attention. And for heaven sakes . . . stop texting and driving before you KILL SOMEBODY!
PS the verdict is still out on Voice-to-Text apps while driving :)

4 Great Books for Student Ministry Development

Thursday, November 4th, 2010

Every minister must make time to do a little continuing Ed reading about Culture, Management and how to be successful in Student Ministry for the long-haul. Below are a few good books to add to your personal library.

1. Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers by Christian Smith and Melinda Lundquist Denton
2. unCHRISTIAN: What a new generation really thinks about Christianity . . . and why it matters by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons (Research from the Barna Group)
3. Student Ministry and the SUPREMACY of CHRIST by Richard Ross
4. Almost Christian: What the faith of our teenagers is telling the American Church by Kendra Creasy Dean

Student Minister Tenure

Monday, October 4th, 2010

Most of us have heard it quoted that the average length of a youth minister’s stay at any one church is a year and a half. Even though this little stat has been a staple food among church chatters for a long time it should be put to rest.

A research group has went on record to help put an end to the 18 month myth. The newest research shows the average paid student ministry leader remains at their church for 3.9 years. What an improvement real data can make to the perception of student ministry gypsies.

While this is encouraging information, lets not begin the dance too soon. We need to keep in mind that the life expectancy of a professional quarterback is 6.9 years and the life expectancy of a full time student pastor is just 6.8 years.

Have you ever stopped to think about how much the two jobs have in common?
1. They are both glorious and grand jobs.
2. No one cares what you did last year. Its this season, this semester that counts.
3. Everyone knows the right play to call for each situation. Monday morning brings everything to light.
4. Everyone knows what your signing bonus was.
5. The weight of the team is upon your shoulders.
6. The owner reserves the right to interfere with the management and coaching.
7. The fans can be fickle.
8. The pay scale and off season are nearly identical (OK,just the first seven)

Seven Parenting No No’s

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

The following tips may sound elementary but often I encounter parents violating several basic parenting rules. Sense we all need help with some area of parenting, I thought I would share the most common and essential Do’s and Don’ts of parenting.

1. Never ridicule a child in front of others. Deal with discipline in private unless it is absolutely unavoidable. In such cases, apologize for having to deal with it here and now.

2. Do not call a child a name, even if it they completely define the name you are using. Believe me, I have called hundreds of children and teens unflattering names under my breath. Then I pray for God to help me hold my tongue and prevent them from reading my mind.

3. Under no circumstances should an adult ever bully their child. I am talking about being physically overpowering for display or compliance in a non-caring manner.

4. Refrain from saying “no” simply because you don’t want to be bothered or for no reason.

5. Never gossip about your child or other children. Sharing confirmed information that will help someone or prevent something terrible from occurring is not gossip. Sharing half truths and rumors about other children is!

6. Stay under control. Do not scream, shout or threaten your child. You can get the same results by being deliberate, firm and forceful but doing so calmly.

7. Don’t resort to using the silent treatment to punish or withhold your love.

Of course this list is not exhaustive, but violating any of the seven will surly devalue a child while at the same time push them towards the wrong crowd, where they will feel valued.
Why is watching what you say to your kids a big deal? Because deflating words will lead to critical, deflated and insecure kids. So, tame the tongue or zip the lip but don’t excuse it!

Teenagers and Lying

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Mark Gregston offers some quick insights into students and a trend in lying.
The latest “Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth” (by the Josephson Institute of Ethics) shows that teens are lying more often, and more easily, than ever.

Dishonesty may seem like a minor issue in comparison to other adolescent problems like drug abuse or sexual promiscuity, but it is a vice that parents should never ignore or allow to creep into the teen’s lifestyle.

Dishonesty is rooted in an attitude of disrespect; disrespect for others, for authority, and for your family’s values. It won’t go away with the mere passage of time. It will reappear at significant stress points in your child’s life, and that can land them in real trouble. So, deal immediately with every instance of dishonesty today, and you’ll be avoiding bigger problems tomorrow.